The Bathroom
Door
There once were two best
friends, Bella and Sally, Every Friday after school they would go to the mall.
One Friday after school Bella and Sally went to the mall, Sally wanted to go to
the bathroom, but it was going to be five minutes till the mall closed so Bella
told her to hurry up. Then the door locked clicked, then the lights started
flickering, both of them were scared. They didn’t know what had happened, after
three minutes of the flickering lights and the creepy locked door, the janitor
came to save them.
When you said,Every Friday after school,you didn't need to capitalize every.Your sentence,One Friday after school Bella and Sally, you need to put a comma in front of Bella and behind Sally so it can read: One Friday after school, Bella and Sally, went to the mall.
ReplyDeleteReading your story you can write five minutes until,sounds better than till.Your last error is the sentence,Then the door locked clicked, it doesn't make sense change it to:Then the door lock clicked.
But you have a good story all in all!
After the changes Annabeth made i think it is fine but you have one more error that Annabeth missed which is it should say they didn't know what WAS HAPPENING. All the capitals are changes i made the rest is up to you but that what i think overall good story
ReplyDeletethe first sentence, "there was once two best friends, Bella and Sally, every day..."
ReplyDeleteyou should change it too, "there was once two best friends, Bella and Sally. Every...
Good story, but when you said "There once were to bestfriend Bella and Sally" you should put a period after it.
ReplyDelete